the first of june
found me in my house, and hearing
the "woop" of a boy, from the forest or
from the train tracks:
the ecstasy bursting through
his lungs and out of his mouth
and the sound waves flying straight
to my ears, and mine alone!
for this boy is my lover, or maybe
even my soulmate, or maybe
just a stranger but probably
not.
the first of june
found me running
through the door, and under the trees
that did not shield me from the
heavy the
tender the
fanatical rain
that soaked through my t-shirt and
outlined my bra in a matter
of seconds!
and I "woop"ed back at
the boy in the woods, who was
waiting for me, obviously,
and my voice flew from my
mouth and left me behind on
the wet wooden deck and
found the boy the
lover the
stranger
and he did not call back but
I know he heard me.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I Keep Saying "Doot Doot"
My whole life, my mom has become frantic whenever she sees animals outside the window of our house. Usually she yells for everyone who can hear her to run as fast as humanly possible to the window, but sometimes she just yells the species she sees. Once when I was much younger, I was napping in my parents' bed. My mom ran into the room and dragged me out of my slumber so I could see a cardinal that had flown away by the time we made it to the glass. Today my mom saw a fox and wouldn't calm down until everyone else had also seen it, even though this required passing from window to window as the bright orange patch of fur in the distance ran steadily around the perimeter of the house. After I saw the fox (which was actually rather awesome) I thought about foxes for a while and then made a playlist on my iTunes library of all the songs I have with fox in the title. This is the playlist:
1. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley
2. Foxes Mate for Life - Born Ruffians
3. Nice Fox - the Rosebuds
4. Fox Confessor Brings the Flood - Neko Case
5. Fox in the Snow - Belle and Sebastian
6. Sly Fox - Nas
7. The Fox - Sleater-Kinney
I was kind of surprised that I had that many. It seems like a lot but then I searched my library and found that I have more cat songs than fox songs. Fitting. Anyways, I am going to stop writing about this now.
I just talked to Lanny on the phone for two hours. He's one of the only people I can do that with, but I wish I could do it with all my friends. Sometimes I'm feeling lonely. Sometimes I'm feeling loved. These days it switches a lot. Seems like every damn thing switches before I'm ready for it.
1. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley
2. Foxes Mate for Life - Born Ruffians
3. Nice Fox - the Rosebuds
4. Fox Confessor Brings the Flood - Neko Case
5. Fox in the Snow - Belle and Sebastian
6. Sly Fox - Nas
7. The Fox - Sleater-Kinney
I was kind of surprised that I had that many. It seems like a lot but then I searched my library and found that I have more cat songs than fox songs. Fitting. Anyways, I am going to stop writing about this now.
I just talked to Lanny on the phone for two hours. He's one of the only people I can do that with, but I wish I could do it with all my friends. Sometimes I'm feeling lonely. Sometimes I'm feeling loved. These days it switches a lot. Seems like every damn thing switches before I'm ready for it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Train Underwater
Today I got a splinter while pulling myself onto the dock at Steve's house. It's a really deep splinter.
I don't feel grounded pretty much anywhere. But apparently that is a symptom of being my age, in college, etc. You don't have ground. You walk on air and live on clouds that feel like the ground until the weather changes and poof, you're falling.
Speaking of weather, it's still trying to tell me something.
I don't feel grounded pretty much anywhere. But apparently that is a symptom of being my age, in college, etc. You don't have ground. You walk on air and live on clouds that feel like the ground until the weather changes and poof, you're falling.
Speaking of weather, it's still trying to tell me something.
Well if I could tame all my desires
wait out the weather that howls in my brain
cause it seems that it's always changing
the wind's indecision, the sorrowful rain
wait out the weather that howls in my brain
cause it seems that it's always changing
the wind's indecision, the sorrowful rain
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Linen Closet
I have never been a morning person.
In the winter of sixth grade, my mom started waking up only to make me breakfast, so in the time during which I woke up, took a shower, and dressed myself, I experienced being the only person awake in my house for the first time in my life. I felt very alone, especially in the dead of winter when it was so dark. After I showered I'd take a small towel from the linen closet with which to dry my hair, and I developed the habit of turning on the light to the closet, fitting my small body inside it (my body today, seven years later, no longer fits), and taking a few minutes to stand there, alone, breathing in the smell of clean cotton. It smelled so deeply pleasing and I craved light in these lonely mornings, even the light birthed from a naked, solitary bulb in a rectangular box of a room. The long dark hallway from my bedroom to the bathroom reminded me of my infancy; there was nothing to hold on to, I was alone, wobbling feebly, in empty space. Inside the closet I was tightly confined and supported from all angles by bright white walls and good-smelling terrycloth. The moments I spent inside the closet were the most peaceful of my day, and I wonder if my remembering them every time I take a towel or wash cloth from the closet means that they were among the most peaceful of my whole life.
I am weak. I am afraid of everything, but mostly of death, pain, and vomit. I wish I was as brave as my mother. I wish I could help my dad when he is sick instead of standing paralyzed in the kitchen, unable to get in my car and leave him alone, but also unable to go upstairs and do anything that might actually help. I am tired of not being able to move my body just because my brain is scared. Also I am wondering lately, if you want something to happen so badly, and you know it probably won't happen, do you let your brain think about it anyways? And imagine it happening and how great it would be? Because that seems pretty unhealthy but maybe thinking can't hurt. I don't know. I'm tired.
The door to the linen closet is right next to the door to my parents room. The doors form an angle that looks like a capital "L."
In the winter of sixth grade, my mom started waking up only to make me breakfast, so in the time during which I woke up, took a shower, and dressed myself, I experienced being the only person awake in my house for the first time in my life. I felt very alone, especially in the dead of winter when it was so dark. After I showered I'd take a small towel from the linen closet with which to dry my hair, and I developed the habit of turning on the light to the closet, fitting my small body inside it (my body today, seven years later, no longer fits), and taking a few minutes to stand there, alone, breathing in the smell of clean cotton. It smelled so deeply pleasing and I craved light in these lonely mornings, even the light birthed from a naked, solitary bulb in a rectangular box of a room. The long dark hallway from my bedroom to the bathroom reminded me of my infancy; there was nothing to hold on to, I was alone, wobbling feebly, in empty space. Inside the closet I was tightly confined and supported from all angles by bright white walls and good-smelling terrycloth. The moments I spent inside the closet were the most peaceful of my day, and I wonder if my remembering them every time I take a towel or wash cloth from the closet means that they were among the most peaceful of my whole life.
I am weak. I am afraid of everything, but mostly of death, pain, and vomit. I wish I was as brave as my mother. I wish I could help my dad when he is sick instead of standing paralyzed in the kitchen, unable to get in my car and leave him alone, but also unable to go upstairs and do anything that might actually help. I am tired of not being able to move my body just because my brain is scared. Also I am wondering lately, if you want something to happen so badly, and you know it probably won't happen, do you let your brain think about it anyways? And imagine it happening and how great it would be? Because that seems pretty unhealthy but maybe thinking can't hurt. I don't know. I'm tired.
The door to the linen closet is right next to the door to my parents room. The doors form an angle that looks like a capital "L."
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Some Pictures of Recently
Stray Observations:
1. If you call a cigarette beautiful, then it is beautiful
2. Skateboarding may just be harder than it looks
3. I'm afraid to admit that my legs are really that white
Summer Spawns Creativity
We're gonna build something, this summer.
When I am feeling inspired, I write long lists. My lists are usually way too ambitious, or I just lose them. I want to do so much, and everything costs so much money all of the sudden!!
When I am feeling inspired, I write long lists. My lists are usually way too ambitious, or I just lose them. I want to do so much, and everything costs so much money all of the sudden!!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Genesis
On the first day of summer, the air was warm and we wore t-shirts and jeans. Some of us wore shorts but it was generally too cold for that. The sky was blue and cloudless and we were warmer as the day went on until the sun set and the temperature still rose, making our skin sticky as we ran through the bright night city.
On the second day the sun blared unrelentingly and we climbed staircase after staircase until the skin on our backs clung to our cotton shirts. We sat on metal dumpsters and concrete sidewalks and watched the people pass us by, the people with their unbrushed hair and their cut-off jeans and their hands to hold. We sipped cold soda from plastic bowls and when it glided down our throats it cooled our insides but did not quench our undying thirsts.
On the third day the heat rose still, and we were forced to peel off our clothes and leave them in hot wet piles. When the sun went down, we drenched our naked bodies in vodka and set ourselves on fire, climbing on top of the roof to decide, finally, if we were afraid of heights. We weren't. On a bare mattress in the dark, we found we could swim swim and fly and the heat wrapped itself around us, found its way inside of us, touched us, loved us. We tangled ourselves up in the heat and when it became too overbearing we cried under the windowsill and pressed our fingers into the cold backside of the refrigerator, hoping that months after we stored inside it our lovely fruits, cultivated a mere seven weeks before, they would remain fresh.
On the fourth day the heat melted everyone's hands and we journeyed limbless into the different constellations.
On the fifth day, the wind came, and the rain. Walking back from town, I ran down the last bus in the world. The cold wind that seeped through the windows of this giant mechanical whale brushed away the sweat and the sunburn that had been coagulating on my chest since the first day. When it opened its mouth and spit me out, I was at the very heart of the tornado. Three great strides were all that stood between me and my home, and yet somehow, all I desired was to be sucked inside the monstrous cyclone, standing still while the trees and the sky came crashing down around me in waves of cold fierce summer air.
On the second day the sun blared unrelentingly and we climbed staircase after staircase until the skin on our backs clung to our cotton shirts. We sat on metal dumpsters and concrete sidewalks and watched the people pass us by, the people with their unbrushed hair and their cut-off jeans and their hands to hold. We sipped cold soda from plastic bowls and when it glided down our throats it cooled our insides but did not quench our undying thirsts.
On the third day the heat rose still, and we were forced to peel off our clothes and leave them in hot wet piles. When the sun went down, we drenched our naked bodies in vodka and set ourselves on fire, climbing on top of the roof to decide, finally, if we were afraid of heights. We weren't. On a bare mattress in the dark, we found we could swim swim and fly and the heat wrapped itself around us, found its way inside of us, touched us, loved us. We tangled ourselves up in the heat and when it became too overbearing we cried under the windowsill and pressed our fingers into the cold backside of the refrigerator, hoping that months after we stored inside it our lovely fruits, cultivated a mere seven weeks before, they would remain fresh.
On the fourth day the heat melted everyone's hands and we journeyed limbless into the different constellations.
On the fifth day, the wind came, and the rain. Walking back from town, I ran down the last bus in the world. The cold wind that seeped through the windows of this giant mechanical whale brushed away the sweat and the sunburn that had been coagulating on my chest since the first day. When it opened its mouth and spit me out, I was at the very heart of the tornado. Three great strides were all that stood between me and my home, and yet somehow, all I desired was to be sucked inside the monstrous cyclone, standing still while the trees and the sky came crashing down around me in waves of cold fierce summer air.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Missin' It
Maybe later I will be able to organize these hectic thoughts of mine into blog format
It's been so hot out and that makes perfect sense
It's been so hot out and that makes perfect sense
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Today
I tried to run behind some girl and get under her umbrella a little. And I was holding a banana and it was obvious that there were pills in my backpack cause when I ran they shook around and made noise.
Monday, April 26, 2010
April Showers Bring May Flowers and Ennui
Today was so weird. I woke up with an awful sore throat and at lunch Bethany got me hot water with honey. All the honey pooled in the bottom of the cup so the more I drank, the more the mixture was becoming not a mixture at all, but just pure honey. What an abbhorent texture for such a tasty foodstuff. Then I walked into town to do errands. My errands took me almost two hours, and when I was done my feet hurt. I also had to talk to a very unhappy person working in a Verizon store. This guy just does not like his life! And he takes out this unhappiness by being passive aggressive to college students. He also had a tattoo all the way down his arm and I bet it meant nothing. Oops that is mean. My phone pretty much does not work at all and it's extremely frustrating.
Walking back from town Liz rode by on her bike. I didn't notice her until she was pretty far ahead of me, and when I saw her I instinctively yelled "LIZARD!" She didn't hear me, but a boy walking past me did, because I sort of yelled in his ear. He also had no idea why I was screaming out the name of a small reptile, seemingly at no one. The look he gave me was of utter shock. This made me laugh pretty hard to myself.
Later, I felt like I had a fever and passed out asleep on Bethany's floor. Kerry kept opening the window because the room smelled like garlic. The air was windy and moist but it felt good. I don't have a fever anymore but I am very tired. I am always tired.
I have about three more weeks here and they cannot possibly go by fast enough. I love it here, it's my life, but I need a change. I can't wait to be home in my house. I miss my family. I miss my bed. I miss my cat who doesn't live there anymore. I need a break from schoolwork and I need more time to read. I need sleep and I need space, literal space. I also need to go to New York and I am doing that but it won't be enough. All these things I need to feel alive and not so damn drowsy all the time. I wish it wasn't so cliche to love trees because I think I love trees more than anything else that exists.
But I am still alive in love and wide-eyed in my time
Walking back from town Liz rode by on her bike. I didn't notice her until she was pretty far ahead of me, and when I saw her I instinctively yelled "LIZARD!" She didn't hear me, but a boy walking past me did, because I sort of yelled in his ear. He also had no idea why I was screaming out the name of a small reptile, seemingly at no one. The look he gave me was of utter shock. This made me laugh pretty hard to myself.
Later, I felt like I had a fever and passed out asleep on Bethany's floor. Kerry kept opening the window because the room smelled like garlic. The air was windy and moist but it felt good. I don't have a fever anymore but I am very tired. I am always tired.
I have about three more weeks here and they cannot possibly go by fast enough. I love it here, it's my life, but I need a change. I can't wait to be home in my house. I miss my family. I miss my bed. I miss my cat who doesn't live there anymore. I need a break from schoolwork and I need more time to read. I need sleep and I need space, literal space. I also need to go to New York and I am doing that but it won't be enough. All these things I need to feel alive and not so damn drowsy all the time. I wish it wasn't so cliche to love trees because I think I love trees more than anything else that exists.
But I am still alive in love and wide-eyed in my time
Thursday, April 22, 2010
A Taste of Umass
The Taste of Umass is this annual event where a bunch of food vendors pack themselves into our biggest sports arena and all the food is free to students with meal plans. Umass closes all dining halls on this day so participation is pretty much mandatory, but they give you plenty of incentive by featuring a performance by select Patriots cheerleaders, a "Umass Idol" competition, and a hot dog eating contest. Sounds like my idea of a fun Thursday night. A couple hours ago, a bus picked Dan and I up outside of Butterfield and we began our journey into the true heart of Umass.
When we arrived a girl was on stage singing that chasing pavements song. Her voice was not that good and really quiet, even though the music was blasting. She wore a knee-length dress with a cardigan buttoned in the middle, and white, dirty flip flops. I don't know why I noticed the flip flops. We started trying to make our way through the incredibly dense crowd. Everyone was loud and eating, my favorite combination. I found it really difficult to find food I wanted to consume. I am trying to be vegetarian and it is pretty much impossible at the Taste of Umass. This is the kind of food that a lot of people would describe as "OMG SO GOOD." I would describe it being really unnecessarily cheesy. Literally. The music faded away really quickly before chasing pavements girl caught on and it was awkward. The judges gave unanimously gave her a 4 out of 10 which was also pretty awkward. Next we got to see the Patriots cheerleaders get on stage and jump in various positions. I started to find depressing things I usually find funny, but then I found a craisins booth and it was awesome. Dan had to leave to go to a show, and against all common sense, I stayed. Although there were about 100,000 people packed in the stadium, including everyone I know, it was impossible to find anyone. So I started the journey out of the building that would end up taking about twenty minutes. Around this time a girl got onstage and started singing her rendition of a Lady Gaga song. It was really screechy and her dress was three sizes too small and I was afraid of her. Feeling the need to escape was slowly developing into a slow-burning panic. I changed my course and tried to barge through a line of people that had temporarily slowed. I ran into a person of non discriminate gender who was holding a small cup of red juice. The juice splashed full force onto my chest and soaked through my shirt. No one noticed.
This is maybe the first time I've experienced Umass in all its glory. I've never been to a sporting event or participated in an activity that doesn't have any sort of common goal on which students of similar interests can bond. For example, the Radical Student Union does not appeal to anyone who would have an interest in obtaining an autographed panorama photo of the Patriots cheerleaders. The only common interest uniting the attendees of the Taste of Umass was food. And everyone eats food, so every kind of person was at the Mullins Center tonight. What's funny is that I'm going back to the Mullins Center on Sunday to see a Ludacris concert. Tasty.
Home is when I'm alone with you
When we arrived a girl was on stage singing that chasing pavements song. Her voice was not that good and really quiet, even though the music was blasting. She wore a knee-length dress with a cardigan buttoned in the middle, and white, dirty flip flops. I don't know why I noticed the flip flops. We started trying to make our way through the incredibly dense crowd. Everyone was loud and eating, my favorite combination. I found it really difficult to find food I wanted to consume. I am trying to be vegetarian and it is pretty much impossible at the Taste of Umass. This is the kind of food that a lot of people would describe as "OMG SO GOOD." I would describe it being really unnecessarily cheesy. Literally. The music faded away really quickly before chasing pavements girl caught on and it was awkward. The judges gave unanimously gave her a 4 out of 10 which was also pretty awkward. Next we got to see the Patriots cheerleaders get on stage and jump in various positions. I started to find depressing things I usually find funny, but then I found a craisins booth and it was awesome. Dan had to leave to go to a show, and against all common sense, I stayed. Although there were about 100,000 people packed in the stadium, including everyone I know, it was impossible to find anyone. So I started the journey out of the building that would end up taking about twenty minutes. Around this time a girl got onstage and started singing her rendition of a Lady Gaga song. It was really screechy and her dress was three sizes too small and I was afraid of her. Feeling the need to escape was slowly developing into a slow-burning panic. I changed my course and tried to barge through a line of people that had temporarily slowed. I ran into a person of non discriminate gender who was holding a small cup of red juice. The juice splashed full force onto my chest and soaked through my shirt. No one noticed.
This is maybe the first time I've experienced Umass in all its glory. I've never been to a sporting event or participated in an activity that doesn't have any sort of common goal on which students of similar interests can bond. For example, the Radical Student Union does not appeal to anyone who would have an interest in obtaining an autographed panorama photo of the Patriots cheerleaders. The only common interest uniting the attendees of the Taste of Umass was food. And everyone eats food, so every kind of person was at the Mullins Center tonight. What's funny is that I'm going back to the Mullins Center on Sunday to see a Ludacris concert. Tasty.
Home is when I'm alone with you
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Flower Bed
Today on the way back from Women's Studies I picked flowers and made a little bouquet which I held in my left hand. I offered it to Bethany but she thought I was just showing it to her, not gifting it. And instead of explaining the misunderstanding, I took the flowers up to my room, cut off the stems, filled a bowl with water, and let the tiny colorful explosions float on the surface, quivering slightly whenever the wind passed through the screen window.
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